More, But Not Yet

My pregnancy scare a couple of weeks ago forced me to think about something I'd been putting off: Would There Be More Children and When? Really more of the "when" part because Nelson and I'd already decided to have at least one more.

It's kind of a weird thing though, right? Even though I know I want another child to join our family, there are certainly days when I'm maxed out by the two very rambunctious boys I already have. They hand me my ass more days than not. But at the same time, they are also pretty wonderful - smart, loving, funny. Everything you'd want in a kid.

I also have the same worries I did when I was pregnant with Miles: Will I be able to devote enough time to all of the kids if I have another one? What about finances? And the size of our house? I'm also really worried about getting a hard baby. I've had two really easy ones; my number has got to come up sooner or later.

But.

I like begin pregnant. Well, for the most part. I like hearing the baby's heartbeat and feeling it kick. I love the full moon shape my belly takes, how nice my skin looks, the full and shiny hair. I love the anticipation of labor and planning for my home births. I love the feeling of euphoria the first time I hold my tiny babies. I love how my heart grows to encompass the new member of our family and how within seconds of his birth, it is as though he's always been with us. I miss teeny, tiny fingers and toes; first smiles; fuzzy heads; sweet smells; impossibly small onsies.

So, yes, there will be another baby. Just not right now.

We talked about it this weekend. Nelson asked me if I was ready to have another and I didn't even have to think before I said "No." He's not ready either, though I'm pretty certain if I said, "Yes! Now!" he'd have jumped on board.

Why not yet? Lots of reasons. I'm really enjoying the rhythm of our life right now. I'm enjoying our boys and watching them grow. I want to spend some time with them in their toddler hood, to foster the bond I can already see is going to be very strong. I'm savoring this time with Oscar and Miles. I'm making parenting breakthroughs everyday and it feels wonderful. A baby changes the dynamic so much and I'm not ready for that shift just yet.

We've decided to revisit the conversation in six or seven months, when Oscar is three (!!!) and Miles is 18 months. I might be ready then, although next winter or spring feel more right to me. But I do know that when I have dreams about our family, I always see us with three running around, and sometimes a fourth in my or Nelson's arms.

So (hopefully) there will be three. We're are in negotiation about four - I feel like if number three is a boy, I'll be done. Three boys in a row is A LOT of boys. However, if number three is a girl, I think I'll want a fourth. Who am I kidding? I'll likely want a fourth either way.

So, what about you? Plans for a new baby? A first baby? Or are you Done? How do you see your family picture?

On Nursing

I breast fed Oscar for 12.5 months. I stopped because I was three months pregnant and my nipples hurt like a bitch. He was kind of over it too. It wasn't hard or sad for me to stop. I was in pain. I was glad for it to be over.

Breast feeding was hard with Oscar. He was sleepy and jaundice and I had to wake him for feedings for his first two weeks. He had a poor latch; there were lots of blisters and cracking and bleeding. My first month was hell and I almost quit. But, it got better and I grew to really enjoy that time with him. He started on solids at four months and his nursing began declining. He weened gradually and naturally and I was okay with that. Particularly because of the pain.

Miles was a completely different story. He latched on within seconds of his birth. It was like one of those videos they show you - he inched his way over to my nipple and just grabbed on. And he pretty much didn't let go for the first four months of his life. He nursed every hour and a half for FOUR MONTHS. He had a fantastic latch and a great appetite, but it was tough with the every ninety minutes for 17 straight weeks. He wouldn't even touch solids until he was nearly seven months. Miles was tough in ways too, but I'll take a hearty eater over a poor start when it comes to nursing any day.

So, here we are. Miles is eleven months. He's nurses less these days - every three to four hours - but still quite a bit for a baby of his age. He eats plenty of solids, drinks water, but he really enjoys nursing. Like, he latched on and hunkers down for a good 10-15 minutes at each session. By the time Oscar was four months, it was all I could do to get him to nurse for five consecutive minutes. Miles just loves it. He loves nursing.

And, truth be told, so do I. The moments I spend nursing Miles are often the only moments in the day I get to spend focused just on Miles. He looks at me, he smiles. His had seeks my lips for kisses. He grabs on to my index finger to pull me closer. These are sweet, sweet moments. I'm nowhere near ready for them to end.

My pediatrician (and the AAP) recommends breast feeding for a baby's first year of life (exclusively for six months and with complimentary solid foods after that), and for as long as is mutually desired by mother and baby after that points. The World Health Organization actually recommends breast feeding for up to two years and beyond, with complimentary foods.

Where am I going with this? I'm getting there.

I intend to breast feed Miles beyond a year. I intend to do it until he and I are both tired of it. Maybe it will be for 18 months. Maybe it will be for 20 months. Maybe 26. Who knows? I'm just going to do it for as long as he and I both want to, and to be honest I don't really care what the AAP, the WHO, or anyone else thinks about it.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, a few weeks ago we were at a get together where people were discussing breast feeding and how they all though it was important that women be able to nurse in public. I couldn't agree more. I'm a championship public nurser. I'll do it anywhere, anytime, anyhow. I've done it in museums, in Target, in restaurants, at my father-in-law's sportsman's club,. I could give two shits. If my baby is hungry, I feed it. End of story.

Then some of these same folks expressed disdain for extended breast feeding, to the tune of a kid should no longer be nursing if they can ask for it. I didn't say anything, but I wish I had because I could not disagree more.

And, that's not to say extended breast feeding, or even breast feeding period, is the right choice for everyone. Here's the thing though: It's a personal choice. Breast feeding is a personal choice. Do it, don't do it, I don't care. What I do care about is my right to breast feed my kid for as long as I want.

You know what the real rub is? Most of the people having this discussion have never breast fed a child. That's not to say they can't have an opinion; of course they can. I just don't think they have a full grasp of the issue.

I'm not going to sit here and extol the benefits of breast feeding and extended breast feeding. The benefits may be why I started, but they are not why I've continued. Because, for me and for many women who choose breast feeding and extended breast feeding, breast feeding is about more than nutrition. It's about the love and closeness I feel with my babies. It's about the comfort and safety they feel being breast fed. It is about the bond breast feeding has helped establish. It's about my boobs and my kids and I don't give a shit if it makes anyone else feel uncomfortable.

It is not "weird" or inappropriate to breast feed a kid into it's second or third year. It may not be the norm in the U.S., but it is pretty much everywhere else in the world. What is weird and inappropriate is thinking you have a say in someone else's breast feeding decisions. Think what you want, but keep it to yourself because I don't care and neither does that woman over there nursing her 2.5 year old. We are happy and comfortable with our decision. You don't have to be.

RTT: Do You Love TMI? I Got Your TMI Right Here

This isn't actually all that random, but I so love Keely and her fugly button.

*Last week, I though I was pregnant. Again. I took the lone pregnancy test left from the multi pack I bought when I though I was pregnant with Miles. I was tired, achy, starving, getting headaches, having tummy troubles, cramping, sore nipples. Basically ALL of the early pregnancy symptoms I had with both boys. It was negative. Whew.

*So, honestly? I wasn't all that freaked out about being pregnant again. I though about it, and Miles would be two and Oscar would be three and a half when the new baby came. Not really what I'd planned, but doable. I mean, Miles barely even qualifies as a baby anymore and I really love little babies. Not that I'm trying to get pregnant again anytime soon, but I've already had one surprise pregnancy so a second surprise pregnancy would really be all that surprising.

*In closely related news, I got my period for the first time in 21 months. While I was at a fucking party. And I was totally unprepared because I haven't had a period in 21 months. I felt like a 12-year-old. It was such a goddamn Judy Blume moment.

*Also, it seems the symptoms of PMS and pregnancy are basically identical.

*Have you hear of these? They are a bit pricey, but you can wear them for 12 hours so you only need two a day. And, you have to be okay with getting a bit intimate with yourself to use them. They are so amazing particularly for those of us women who've vaginally delivered babies of size and no longer find tampons effective and think pads are inconvenient or just plain gross (me). I debated doing a whole post about this issue, the issue of feminine hygiene products after giving birth vaginally, but then I decided no one really wanted to read a whole big vagina post, right? I mean there's a reason no one talks about it.

*I'm not sure how to follow up my vagina speech up there. Anyone else feeling really uncomfortable right now? Good, me too.

Eleven Months, Capturing the Moment

You love your brother and take every opportunity to hug, kiss, and wrestle with him.

When you "dance" to music, you nod your head back and forth like some kind of baby rocker.

You can stand unassisted for brief periods and you have taken a couple of steps.

You still do not sleep through the night; you wake at least once, sometimes twice.

You have four teeth and are working two more.

You say "Mama," "dog," "yea," and "Dada."

You mimic your brother's squeals, yells, and other assorted noises (Oscar, in stereo-o-o-o.)

You hate it when I leave a room, and you lurch for me as soon as I return.

You smile almost constantly.

You laugh, even when you're whining.

You make this funny face, where you scrunch up your eyes and bare your teeth.

You love it to be tickled.

Your favorite foods: tofu, peas, Cheerios, bread, rice, couscous, Boca burgers, pasta, prunes, and meatballs.

You love to nest blocks and cups, and put things inside containers so you can take them out again.

You love playing with your baby piano and improvising drums on toy bins.

You crawl with your left leg pushing you along like an oar (as did your brother.)

You love kisses.

You are tough, and can really take a fall and assorted pushes, slaps, and kicks from your brother.

You put everything and anything into your mouth.

You are freakishly strong.

You are very silly.

You are snugly.

I love you immeasurably.

Miles Goes Guerilla: A Photo Montage

Immediately preceding this photos, Oscar has pulled his patented lean-back-on-Miles-to-knock-him-down. Miles quickly recovered.

You think that's funny? I'll show you funny.

I will school. Your. Ass.

Who's laughing now? Who? Well, we both are, but still.

In this photo, taken moments after the last series, Oscar has escaped but Miles is hot on his tail. Oscar is once again pulling his patented leaning move. It is terribly unsuccessful.

FOOL! You cannot defeat Miles William!

Nom, nom, nom. Delicious brother.

Muah ha ha ha! I am VICTORIOUS!

Little: 1; Big: 0

I think Oscar needs some new moves. And a blood transfusion.